i’ll be the grapes fermented

so, i was sitting with my little brother and my little sister, half awake, and they were watching nickelodeon. specifically, they were watching fairly odd parents. and i realized, if i was timmy? shit’d be different.

WISHES I WOULD MAKE:

1) World Hunger

uh, you have almost unlimited arcane power. and you don’t solve world hunger? dick move. it’d take like 5 seconds!

2) A Very Special Keira Knightely

i’m just saying. keira knightely is a beautiful woman. but her personality is shit. and if i had magical powers, adding nymphomania and a better ass and rack would be in my grasp. true love is off limits, according to whatever that gay book they read was, but i’m pretty sure fucking isn’t.

3) Super. Fucking. Speed.

now, remember, this is all fueled by the dark arts of a group of fairy like beings on another, more vast plane, tapping into the flows of a force we know not of. so this shit is magical. so i wouldn’t be torn to pieces if i went too fast. but, anyways. let’s see; get everywhere faster. gym? no problem anymore. easy way to lose weight! running. and if i go fast enough, time will basically stop, which is just begging for me to win any fight, to do any assignment i forgot to do, and to basically pause the world whenever i feel like it. yes. fucking. please.

4) Secret Identity With Which I Fight Crime

i’ve got magically driven powers; not keeping up with this shit would be a crime.

5) A FUCKING LOT OF MONEY.

so, now i can justify where i get all my cool shit. i bought it. easy. say it’s an inheritance, and guess what? no more weird questions.

6) ABLE TO PLAY THE GUITAR

well, you can’t wish for someone to love you. but, playing the guitar is both cool, and for most chicas? is like, a major selling point, from what i understand. and when i say able to play, i mean “fucking greatest ever.”

so, that would take about 20 seconds of wishing. and i’m fucking hooked up. that timmy kid was a total faggot.

it goes away with age

so, here’s a thing i had on my mind. as someone who spent about 2 years really really into the online animation community (i know people who are actually going to be, you know, getting jobs animating), i know cartoons. and comics. because i know kenji eric and mary so i kind of have to know comics.

so,

5 CARTOON CHARACTERS I WOULD FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF:
(no particular order)

1: Kiva

okay, let’s see. i love red heads and i like tans. and she’s from the fucking future and pilots a robot. now, first of all, i can ride around in a god damned giant robot. second of all, she could totally tell me about the future. third of all, she has that bitching car. which i could joy ride in. or do her in. perfect.

2) Velma

see, she wears that sweater for one reason; to hide the fact that she has an enormous rack and a flat stomach. trust me.

3) Harley Quinn

natural blonde, great sense of humor, and an avid gun collector. plus lots of money. yes. please.

4) Olga Pataki


let’s see. in college. has a car. loves everything and everyone. tries to hard. would do my work for me. would do everything for me. has lots of money. the only thing is i wouldn’t want to be within 1000 feet of her if she was talking. hahaha.

5) Nazz

closer to my own age, and goes from smart to stupid. cheer leader. slutty as hell. but not so slutty that it’s gross. rich dad. perfect.

5 CARTOON CHARACTERS I WISH I WAS:

1) Batman:

why? because he’s fucking batman! he’s the god damned dark knight! he does poison ivy and harley quinn! his drink of choice is virgin blood and scotch! he’s the god damned batman!

2) Shaggy

well, i’m growing a goatee and losing weight over the summer, so this is in my grasp. he talks to a dog. and does daphne daily. oh, and solves fucking mysteries. yes please.

3) Arnold

hey, football head!

4) Spider Jerusalem

spider jersulam (link) is basically what i wish i was. he is just so god damned cool. i seriously fucking love him. he is basically the voice in my head screaming stuff i can’t say in real life, and often put on the internet. <3 <3 <3

5) Snorlax

he’s more rip than you!

5 CARTOON CHARACTERS I WISH I COULD KILL

1) Fred

the guy was a total tool. he just pissed people off and bossed around his clearly superior team. the guy needed to take his neckerchief and hang himself with it. man.

2) Ash Ketchum

stuffing tiny animals into balls is not cool. nor is forcing them to fight. he dressed terribly, stole misty’s bike, and never pursues and women. he’s fucking surrounded by them. nurse joy, officer jenny, misty, and all the other poke-bitches he runes into. and they all love him. but does he go after any of them? when they all want to get into HIS pants? no. he fucking battles his pokemans. he is a disgrace.

3) Twister

this kid basically spent about 10 years high. i don’t know what is wrong with him. i don’t hate him, but i feel like he needs to be killed out of pity, you know? his existance is kind of sad.

4) Spider-man in Spider-man the Animated Series

WHY DIDN’T YOU FUCK BLACK CAT. WHY? WHY? SHE WAS SO PERFECT. MARY JANE WAS SO BORING. BLACK CAT FOUGHT CRIME OCCASIONALLY AND HAD A HUGE RACK AND LOVED YOU AND MARY JANE WAS JUST A BITCH. WHY DO YOU MAKE ME HIT YOU SO HARD, BABY? WHY, PETER? WHY?

5) Solomon Grundy

you may remember him from the justice friends. he is literally a retarded, albino zombie. i am not fucking kidding. he is retarded, and albino, and a zombie. the zombie part is cool, but when you get retarded zombies, and then throw albino-ism into the mix, you get a deadly combo that needs a good ass kicking.

you started the day with a mood and a shake!

i’ll be choosing post titles with song lyrics and other things. just so you know. today my guitar is 100% broken, while before, it was only in the range of like 80%-90% broken. so i need a new electric guitar, for jamming, rocking, shredding, and any other things that are about playing the guitar. guitar hero just isn’t cutting it, you know?

only piling more distress onto my plate of panic, on my counter top of despair, in the room of worry, in my house of anxiety, i’m going on vacation, which sucks. i know, that sounds weird. i’m being dragged to cape cod, which is basically a depository for gay people and fish. i like fish, and i have nothing against gay dudes are chicas, but the whole idea of eating fried scallops and watching old, crusty lesbians see how can be more vigorous in their very loud and public making out, for a week, is not an attractive one. i mean, the scallops are cool. the ugly ass women kissing is not. most importantly, i get not internet there, and i can’t be with my friends, so that sucks. shit, man.

i leave on the 25th, ugh.

i’m the rhymenoscerous

as i write this, my eyes are darting down every other word. i am the most terrified i have been in a long time over an entirely irrational thing.

i’ll paint you a picture. i’m sitting on my bed, okay? about… i’d say, 4 feet from my bed, diagonally to the right, is my desk. i get up, go to the bathroom, come back. i see a fucking MILLION LEGGED, BLOOD SUCKING EYE MOLESTING MONSTER RUNNING FROM IT TO UNDER MY BED. this fucking thing was sinister, okay? do you get me, here? this was the kind of bug that i have NIGHTMARES ABOUT. i have a very often recurring nightmare, which has been going on for about 2 years, where i’m in my house, and theres a flood outside, and these little fucking nests of these giants bugs are hatched and they invade and they crawl on me and clamp down on my skin, and my family is like “why are you complaining? they’re harmless.” i wake up in a fucking cold swear, panting, every fucking time, okay? i looked these little god damned insults to god who doesn’t exist, and apparently, they’re absolutely harmless! and they’re also ABSOLUTELY FUCKING TERRIFYING, OKAY? so i jump back. i’m serious, i literally leaped backwards, and my hand grasped an “ant and roach” killing spray thing. i’ve been fucking ready for this thing, okay? so i pull the sheet up, dangling off the bed, sinisterly, i might add, and grab a shoe, too. so i start spraying under there blindly. i do this for like 5 minutes, leave, and look up the bug on the internet. household centipede, it says.

http://www.whatsthatbug.com/images/house_centipede_brian.jpg

WARNING: IMAGE IS TERRIFYING, JUST SO YOU KNOW.

now, imagine that, but like, an inch longer, and fucking having like, i don’t even know, a malicious glow. okay? so i go back into my room, and i see it! it’s under my desk, in the heater thing. so i start spraying. i can’t reach it with the shoe. it runs. i fucking follow it with the spray. i swear to god, i sprayed this thing for 20 seconds straight, and it didn’t do anything but slightly slow down.

well, it says on the can, that it kills centipedes. so i assume now it’s dead. i really don’t know. i have no idea where it is. i’m fucking scared, okay? seriously now. this shit is spooky. every time my hair falls in front of my eyes, i jump. every time i have an itch, which i’m getting a fucking lot of, my eyes dart and i claw at the flesh it’s invading. it’s 3 am and i’m posting about one of the most god damned cruel, savage things to walk this green earth.

i call it…

el chinche de diablo.

it is a cruel being. its very existence spits in the face of all that is good. this is the same bug that i did battle with before; the same monstrosity that drove me from the sacred grounds of my room. it’s twisted schemes fell into place that time, and it continues to do battle with humanity. i only hope that it is dying, from the fucking gallon of CVS brand bug killer i riddled it with. the thing, last time? it ran at me. i swear to god. it ran directly at me when i tried killing it. normal bugs don’t do shit like that, okay? this thing is about as big all all the fingers on my hands. i imagine it also has like 80 eyes, and it probably lives in an evil way too. i bet it probably molests little girls, and after shattering their hymens by propelling its trillion legs forwards, it feasts on the blood that drips. okay? that’s how this fucking thing operates here.